


#oldpeopletwitter

by glameowstic



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Crack, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Oversharing, Social Media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 16:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10970949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glameowstic/pseuds/glameowstic
Summary: Regis asks Prompto to make him an account for "the twitter" and fundamentally misunderstands the purpose of its intended use.





	#oldpeopletwitter

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the kink meme, I first came up with ideas of what Regis's twitter might look like on a different prompt, and then OP went and gave me a separate opportunity to go loose.

Regis doesn't particularly understand what 'Twitter' is, but Noctis's new little friend sets him up one anyway when he asks him to. The blond boy ("Prompto sir your Majesty sir!" he had squeaked out when Regis asked for his name) had said something about working to get his account verified but that he was free to "tweet" whenever he pleased.

He comes to the conclusion it must be some sort of hip, new searching engine, like the moogle.com and decides to give it a try.

Noctis's birthday is coming up and so far he hasn't given Regis the slightest hint as to what he wants to do. Just brushes him off with _"I dunno I'll probably hit up the arcade with Prompto or something, I'm not a kid anymore it's not a big deal_."

And normally Regis would leave it at that but Noctis will be 17 and hasn't let Regis do anything special for his birthday in years. Not to mention this could be a good way for them to spend time together. But doing what? 

He opens the Twitter and carefully types in _'how to bond with son'_ and hits post. He waits patiently for the results, but none of the engine's responses are helpful. Various links that say 'huh' and 'idgi'.

He tries again. _'how to bond with son easy'_

More nonsensical results. @69ingchipmunks (what a name for a website) says 'lol wtf', @xX420xxblaaazexxXit says '@69ingchipmunks no way this is him it's another parody account i'm telling you'. Nothing at all related to what he's asking about.

After a few minutes and some scrolling through unhelpful pictures, some of which move, there's a link to a website called @sparklespiracorn that says '@RegisLucisCaelumCXIII I hear Prince Noctis likes to fish, you could try that?'

Goodness that's a wonderful idea. He hasn't fished with Noctis since...

Regis swallows. He can't remember the last time he went fishing with his son. They used to go all the time. Then Tenebrae had fallen and Regis had become so _busy_...no, no he would make time.

He clicks on the link to the @sparklespiracorn website, and gives a little heart to the search result.

* * *

A few days later and there's a weird rash on his inner thigh. He can't tell if it's from his new trousers or something more serious.

Regis opens up Twitter ( _"It's just Twitter Dad, you don't have to call it a 'The' all the time, it's embarrassing,"_ Noctis had said, with an eye roll. Kids these days.) and types in _'weird rash on groin help'_.

This time search results come in much faster. @69ingchipmunks's result says 'lmao you guys IDK if this is the real king but I fucking hope so', a website called @eyeintheduscae comes up with the result of 'omfg', @Dinosaurus's result says 'I think he thinks this is Moogle. Nobody better say nuthin.'

Regis can't understand why this search engine is so popular, the results are more often terrible than not. But Noctis and his friends use it often, so there must be something to it.

Then there's the lovely @sparklespiracorn again, with the result of 'Your majesty I believe that's something you should ask your personal physician'

Then a second result from @sparklespiracorn: 'but @VogueMagazine did an interview with @VespyrGalahad and she said she's recently styled you in wool suits. could be an allergy?'

Technology was amazing. The engine knew his personal stylist and that he was the king to begin with. How marvelous.

* * *

The @sparklespiracorn website seems to be run by a nice girl named Desirae and is mostly about pictures of a cat named 'Mister Cheezers'. He scrolls through the website, giving hearts to all the pictures and little videos of Mister Cheezers. There's one of him sneezing the cutest little sneeze in all of Eos and Regis has to try his very best to not laugh while the diplomat from...somewhere (Regis hadn't been paying attention at the introduction, there was a new video of Mister Cheezers being startled by his own reflection that required his immediate attention) is giving a speech about...something important, probably.

He scrolls until he hits a post that simply says 'finally gonna get that #spiracornfrappucino from @Stelbucks, gotta up my spiracorn game asap'.

Regis knows that Stelbucks is a coffee shop, Clarus often orders from there, but he isn't sure what a spiracorn frappucino actually is so he opens twitter to search _'what is a spiracorn frappucino'_.

Results flow in, the usual ell-oh-ells, the @69ingchipmunks site saying 'this is him, I know people this is definitely him you guys', and @sparklespiracorn with an image result of a fruity little drink with blue and dark purple swirls. Regis isn't sure the drink accurately captures the unique kind of fear and hate a spiracorn actually inspires and exudes, but he hearts the result anyway and asks Clarus to order one for him the next time he sends an assistant out for coffee.

* * *

Regis's plans to go fishing with Noctis for his birthday go south the moment he introduces the idea to him. He yells about how he already made plans with Prompto and that _"You don't have to pretend to take an interest in me just because it's my birthday. Besides you have a meeting with Chancellor Who Gives a Fuck from I Don't Careheim anyway."_

Frustrated, he opens twitter again and types in _'son is being a sulky asshole again what can i do'_ and instantly there are a bunch of links. @69ingchipmunks (whose site always shows up even though there's nothing ever helpful there, just lots of images with bold capital letters written over them) has the response of '@Dinosaurus don't bother waiting for the official statement from the crown this is definitely him, a new result from a website called @Gladioator saying '@noctgar you got called the fuck outttttt', @noctgar with the result 'fuck you @Gladioator you don't know that it's actually him', and a bunch of unrelated images.

Regis sighs. Taking out his feelings on the search engine and the robots who fetch the links won't make things better.

So he types _'father son relationships'_ in instead and gets a link presumably to a video, from @xxxdaddydom &boitoy titled 'naughty twink son gets a spanking from big beefy daddy'.

He frowns. Corporal punishment against a minor is a serious criminal offense, surely nobody would be stupid enough to film and post such a thing online?

Regis clicks the link. Then calmly throws his phone out the nearest window.

He has to make up an excuse to go down to the garden below to retrieve it, and hurriedly types in _'HOW TO TURN OFF NSFW CONTENT'_.

@69ingchipmunks says 'hahahahahaaaaaa you guys the pornbots found him i'm dead i'm fucking dead no more content from your resident memelord'. @eyeintheduscae posts a moving picture of a man screaming while playing the guitar and @Gladioator says 'astrals I really really hope this is him. please shiva if you can hear my prayers, i want this more than anything i've ever asked you for even that sweet bike @speccybastard won't let me buy because he's an asshole too...'

These robots aren't very nice, Regis decides. 

@sparklespiracorn's website has a picture tutorial of how to turn on filters. While he's doing that, he makes a note to have one of his assistants locate the owner of the website to offer a donation for Mister Cheezers's medical bills. The poor thing hasn't been eating lately and Desirae is trying to come up with funds to take him to a veterinarian.

* * *

Regis has no use for twitter, not for a whole week and a half, until he has yet another tension filled moment with Clarus.

The man is giving him all kinds of mixed signals and Regis hates that he can't tell what it means when Clarus looks at him with that kind of devotion. Clarus is his shield, of course he's devoted to the king, but...it's different...right?

Unless it isn't, and Regis ruins things by making assumptions. The last thing he wants is for Clarus to view being his partner as one of his duties and obligations to the crown. He must be absolutely sure.

So he opens twitter, types _'how to tell if your bodyguard has feelings for you sometimes he looks at me like he loves me and so do i what do i do'_ , and waits.

@eyeintheduscae has the result '...ask him?', Then there's @noctgar who says '@Gladioator HA BITCH LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT' with @Gladioator saying 'wait no i take it back it's not him' @Dinosaurus with the result 'Romance In the Citadel? You Won't BELIEVE This Stunning Confession' and a link that Regis won't click (he put the filters on the way @sparklespiracorn's tutorial showed him, but he's still wary).

A few hours later and he goes on twitter again, sometimes it takes time for the more useful results to show up.

He hits his message box (that is absolutely filled with thousands of messages, all of which he kept telling himself that he would get to, eventually) by accident and sees a message from the @sparklespiracorn website that says 'idk if you're the actual king but if you are thank you so much for the donation, I managed to get Mister Cheezers to the vet in time and it turns out he was just constipated, nothing serious. But really thank you again and congrats on trending, I hope things work out between you and your bodyguard :D'

Well that's just wonderful, Mister Cheezers is going to be alright and Regis will go to Clarus and tell him how he really feels.

As soon as he figures out what trending is.

He types _'what trending means'_ , and gets a result from @xX420xxblaaazexxXit that says 'assuming that his majesty still thinks this is moogle: trending is what happens when you get really popular.

So he types _'how to tell if you are trending'_ , and @xX420xxblaaazexxXit responds again saying 'you are trending. i promise.'

He finishes posting _'why am i trending'_ when someone bursts in the room. It's Prompto, Noctis's friend and he's red-faced and winded.

"Your...your majesty sir I need you to give me your phone please sir!" He wheezes, and Regis complies.

"Is something the matter? I've been using the...er I've been using twitter with little hassle, and I must say I quite enjoy it. It answers all of my questions, and there's this delightful little cat named Mister Cheezers too."

Prompto stares at him, 'horrified' Regis would call the look on his face.

"Your majesty...what exactly do you think twitter is?" He asks, slowly.

Regis frowns. "Well it's a searching engine, correct? Like that moogle and the Ding?"

"I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU HE THINKS TWITTER'S A SEARCH ENGINE!" Noctis yells, running into the room. "Did you...nooooo don't protect his tweets let him keep going, Prompto you're such a buzzkill I never should have told you NO DON'T DELETE THEM!"

"Noct I am gonna be in so much trouble for this, I gotta make it look like a parody account, it shouldn't be too hard, it's still not verified..." Prompto says and he's typing away frantically, dodging Noctis's attempts at stealing the phone away from him.

They leave the room, bickering and wrestling and leaving Regis more confused than ever.

Clarus walks in, an equally puzzled look on his face. It's adorable on him though, damn it.

"What strange thing is Noctis getting up to now?" He asks.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths Regis, @sparklespiracorn and Mister Cheezers are counting on you.

"No idea," Regis lies. "Clarus...would you like to have dinner with me tonight? Just the two of us?"

Each second of silence is an agonizing experience that might as well stretch for a thousand years.

Then Clarus smiles, that wonderful small grin and look in his eyes that he only reserves for Regis.

"I would love to."

 

Whatever's wrong with the twitter can wait, Regis thinks. He has more important things on his schedule now.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun facts:
> 
> \- Chancellor Who Gives a Fuck from I Don't Careheim purposely scheduled this meeting on Noct's birthday. He cancels after making Regis wait the whole day
> 
> \- Prompto's twitter handle is @chocobochicc. He managed to pull off making Regis's account look like a parody enough for plausible denial to be the official stance. Everyone knows better though. Noct is also very butthurt that Prompto put the kibosh on things before he could use his dad's account to embarrass Gladio some more
> 
> \- Noct: Hey Iggy I'm setting up a twitter account for you, what do you want your handle to be? 
> 
> Ignis: I don't care 
> 
> Noct: *slow smirk* 'Kay
> 
> \- Regis gets to meet Mister Cheezers after inviting him and his owner to the Citadel for a day out. The selfie he takes with him breaks the whole damn site
> 
> \- @xX420xxblaaazexxXit is another character from the game and it's the last person you'd expect.
> 
> \- Dino thinks he's stumbled upon a goldmine when he finds Noct's "private" twitter account. It is almost entirely pictures of him fishing and retweeting Prompto's selfies and arguing with Gladio about inane things like what would be a harder fight, a chocobo the size of a behemoth or a behemoth the size of a chocobo


End file.
